Failed Attempts

Failed Attempt, n. an attempt at comedy intended to affirm or increase status in the Funny Farm that ultimately results in embarrassment and/or ridicule from other members; Coined by Gerald.

Waldo's Movin' On Down

By Gerald

During Freshman Year, Waldo got lost in the eyes of a girl who will be refered to as "Jennifer." He asked her to Homecoming, but she turned him down. This pain remained in Waldo's heart but he decided to suppress it. Two years passed, and he remembered that he had seen her in a bikini in Kindergarten. This reflamed the passion that he had for her. Madame Flynn's annual French Party rolled around, and the A students, including Waldo and "Jennifer," were invited. He kept trying to tell jokes to make "Jennifer" laugh, but he couldn't manage to get her attention. She was more focused on getting somebody to eat a jalapeno, rather than poor Waldo. Desperate, he decided to eat an entire jalapeno. She was impressed, but not quite as much as he thought she was. He bragged about how it wasn't that hot at all. A few minutes later, though, it started warming up to him and he went through several bottles of water to cool himself down. He decided the best thing to do was to relax in Madame's hottub, a special priviledge that all of her students work towards and look forward to. The hottub was vacant, except for "Jennifer." Waldo got in next her, but began to realize it wasn't such a smart idea once he began throwing up in it. Madame Flynn had to shut it down and "Jennifer" took a shower to clean up. Waldo was even sent home because he was sick (and ruined the party). Worst of all, that was the second and last time he ever saw "Jennifer" in a bathing suit, or at all, actually.

"Honeymoon's over, boys"

By Kyle

During class, Miss Tischer was talking about the show "The Honeymooners," starring an angry man and his wife. She couldn't remember what the guy said every episode. In an unsuccessful attempt to make new friends and be popular, Kyle volunteered the quote. "ONE OF THESE'S DAYS ALICE...BANG...ZOOM...STRAIGHT TO THE MOON!" in a scruffy voice that sounded like it had been devastated by 30 years of smoking. After nobody laughed, he decided that he needed to say it again for the full dramatic effect. "ONE OF THESE'S DAYS ALICE ... BANG ... ZOOM ...STRAIGHT TO THE MOON!" was screamed again, much to the dismay of other Funny Farm members in the room who were watching one of their own go down in flames. Not only did he not make new friends, his status in the Funny Farm fell as well. This failed attempt will scar his sense of humor, and his social standing, for life. Not "like" he had "like" any social standing "like" in the first "like" place.

The Rising Sun

By Julian

The Funny Farm likes to make fun of the movie You Got Served by saying that phrase to a member after they have been humiliated, either by correction, derision, or other means. Julian, attempting to be a maverick, started saying "Housed" instead of "You Got Served." Besides the fact that this phrase is clearly inferior, the mere notion that Julian likes "Housed" over "You got served." makes his attempt to use it fail.

"Glass breaks so easily."

By Julian

One day in art class, Julian and his classmates, including Kyle, Gerald, and Charlie, were sketching plastic animal figures. Julian had been greatly affected by a play his literature class had just read, Tennessee Williams' The Glass Menagerie. In the play, a collection of glass animal figurines symbolized a mother's hold on her son and introverted daughter. After examining the plastic figures, Julian remarked to Kyle, "Hey, it's the plastic menagerie."

"It's a dirty story of a dirty man..."

By Drew

On the first day of Honors Writing and high school, Mrs. Raleigh asked the class who didn't like to write about themselves. Drew raised his hand. Expecting a real answer, Mrs. Raleigh called on him, only to hear a response only worthy of being called a failed attempt. Eager to continue his legacy as a "bad boy" from middle school, he said he doesn't like to write about himself because he gets enough information from all the detention forms he receives. As if this weren't bad enough, the comment didn't warrant any laughs from the students, and earned him a funny look and a "riiiight" from Mrs. Raleigh. Luckily, he outgrew his "bad boy" image but this episode is most certainly a failed attempt.

The Darkness and the Light

By Gerald

When a few members of the Funny Farm entered an unusually dark religion classroom, Eric asked, "Why is it dark in here?" Gerald responded, "It's a religion room. It's always dark." He claims that it was an "impulse" and so it didn't make sense. One would hope that someone with such unfunny impulses wouldn't act on them.

Initiation

By Drew

In French class, Madame Flynn asked if we were studying for exams. Drew said, "Only for yours, Madame," really loudly. Nobody laughed, and Gerald leaned over and coined the term "Failed Attempt" by saying to Julian, "That was a failed attempt."

Belly Flop

By Gerald

Gerald took a picture of a Moroccan belly dancer and pasted French teacher Madame Flynn's head onto the dancer. He then stupidly submitted this poorly edited picture into the annual "French Binder Contest." However, when he was called up to describe his entry, Madame Flynn said the picture was inappropriate. Not only that, nobody laughed...at all.

The Colonel

By Gerald

Gerald took the picture of the KFC mascot look-a-like (original joke available in Jokes) and used it as part of a school project. As if that weren't bad enough, he then bragged about his "accomplishment" to teachers. They weren't very impressed. UPDATE (4/6/05): Gerald recently tried to convince the Funny Farm that his interpretation of The Colonel is not a Failed Attempt. However, his efforts were in vain.